First Love

My oldest is child/son is in first grade and there is a girl in his class who he thinks is the prettiest and smartest in the whole class or even the whole school.

It all started last summer when this girl would ride her bike down our road and stop and talk to him over the fence. At the time I thought her older than him by a couple of years. I also thought her rather pushy- like wanting him to share his snacks or ice cream with her- and he didn't even know her. Over the course of the summer they came to know each others names, and as much as kids do over the fence.

September 1st came and it turns out she was put into the same first grade class as he was- needless to say he was pleased- since he then knew at least one of his new classmates.

It is now April and he still thinks her awesome- though from what I gather she doesn't like him talking to her in school and doesn't sound very friendly to him while there.

But when it is the weekend and she rides by our house again on her bike and they both meet at the tree swing on our street with her cousin and other kids then she is friendly.

D-boy had been pestering me to let her come visit. First I said he could invite her to come play in our yard- she did one evening.

Then he wanted her to come play Legos with him. I told him he could ask her if her Mom agreed and if  he cleaned up the house. They finally got their schedules as arranged as much 7 year olds do and can and she said she'd come around 6 p.m if her Mom let her.

D-boy then went to work cleaning the first floor all afternoon as well as doing his homework. I was shocked to find out my 7 year old can do more than clean the play room as he did an AWESOME job cleaning, vacuuming and tidying up the whole first floor (not the kitchen- that is my spot) . I thought, "WOW, look what liking someone and planning for their visit can do to a boy!"

6 p.m came and went and this girl didn't show up. My son paced and fretted. I told him maybe her Mom wouldn't let her come because she really doesn't know us, other than us living on one block and them going to the same class. He convinced Dad to go on a bike ride with him- which was really an excuse to see if she was at the tree swing or out in her own yard.

Bedtime came and my boy cried and cried (he is very emotional) because she hadn't come- or given word that she couldn't. I cheered him with the thought he'd see her in school tomorrow and could ask her why she hadn't come.

The next day came and went and I was eager to hear from my son why this girl hadn't shown up. We were surprised to hear she hadn't even asked her Mom, and that she didn't even want to come and that is why she didn't bother to ask!

All this drama has led to a lot of conversation with my boy about being fickle, and changeable and not keeping ones word. We've talked alot about why this girl is mean/ignores him in school yet is friendly here and how that it isn't kind to be two-faced like this.

Yesterday in school D-boy asked her why she acts so strange to him in school and different here on our own block. She said she doesn't want the other kids to know she knows him. . . (that makes this Mom heart ache)

So here are the complexities of first graders- and I thought all of this drama would start later when my kids were older.

So Mom's - - how have you handled first loves and classmates like this with your kids? And do first graders actually make good friends? As it seems to me my boy is not fitting into his class and he says he doesn't have a friend he talks to much. There have been boys on and off he said were his friends, but now he says they aren't because they all like roughing around and he doesn't.

When Parenting feels like hell

Being a parent is by far one of the most difficult tasks a human will ever endure.

There are days when you feel you will pull your hair out- or go mad or lose it.

There are days when your kids will scream, whine, make faces at you, disobey, speak disrespectfully, hit, fight and cry. In fact- these might well be the majority of those days.

But there are days when your kids love you to the moon and back and you will look at them with pride and love and such joy.

But what do you do when this moment- this phase is so hellish?

My oldest is going through a phase (at least I hope that is what it is). He is nearly 7- and getting him to obey today and act respectully and do his homework, etc IS SO difficult. He mades faces, behaves and talksrudely, and does all manner of things which leave me wondering if this is really my child.

How can we survive these days? For me prayer is tops when I face a child I no longer know how to deal with. God alone can grant wisdom in these situations.

I did some reading on parenting this evening and liked this article- on correctly behavior.

This day has come to a close- the kids are calmly sleeping and I am mentally preparing for another day. Hoping and praying that tomorrow is more peaceful and my boy gets his joyful selt back-

 Oh LORD, grant us patience as parents and wisdom to guide these little people. 

The REAL problem in raising a child.

Yesterday I posted a link to the great program, Raising Well Behaved Children. Today a friend of mine asked me what I got out of this program personally and what I want to change.

So I wanted to share some parts of the program that really hit home with me (you can also read the transcript of the program here)

John R.: Well, here's the thing and this is what I tell parents all over the culture, all over the country. You and I'm talking you, you parents, you believe that these problems are emanating from your children and the fact it, that the overwhelming majority of these problems are a function of your parenting style.

And if you can come to grips with that and accept that, it's very liberating, because when you realize that you have been trying to change the wrong people, and that you've been making an effort. It's very difficult to change someone else, even if the person in question is a 5-year-old child, when you understand that the person that needs to be changed in this equation is you, and that's the easiest person for you to change, that is very, very liberating.

And so, I say to parents, you know, who tell me, I have an argumentative child, John. I say, no you don't. You just simply provide explanations. You are justifying the decisions that you are making to your child. You are justifying the instructions and the justification, the explanation provides the child with all he needs to push back against you with.

And so, when you stop giving explanations, when you strip your instructions and you strip your decisions down to a minimum of words, you simply say what you mean, mean what you say, you're going to find that these arguments stop.

'
So the real problem isn't my kids- it's ME and my style of parenting. I know I spend too much time (at times) giving explanations.

You know, and I tend to answer questions in terms of anecdotes. A mother came up to me in Easley, South Caroline a few years ago. And she said, "John, I've got a 5-year-old who won't do what he's told."

Jim: (Laughing)

John R.: And this was the actual conversation. I said, "Well, I don't believe that." (Laughter) And she said, "What are you talking about?" And I said, " I've never heard of a 5-year-old who wouldn't do what he was told." "Well, then you've never heard of my son, 'cause he won't do anything I tell him to do; (Laughter) about anything and ever …"

I said, "No, I've never heard of your son, but you've told me an awful lot about you without really meaning to." She said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well, you've told me you don't tell you son to do anything, because my experience is, that if children are told, they do what they're told." But what today's parents are doing is not telling; they're pleading, bargaining, bribing. I've got this memorized, so it comes out very smoothly and I'm a public speaker. (Laughter)

Pleading, bargaining, bribing, cajoling, reasoning, explaining, encouraging, suggesting and promising. And when none of that works, then they threaten and then they scream and then they feel bad and then they do something special for the child and make up for their guilt and then they go right back to pleading, bargaining, bribing, you know, and so on and so forth. (Laughter)

And you know, I said to this woman, "When you start telling your child, your child will begin doing what he is told." It's a function of your leadership style. And this is not complicated; if you understand it that way, it's very, very simple. And the problems become clear and the solutions become clea

The whole thing about bargaining, begging, pleading. . . that is so  ME. I want to make our lives easier (I thought) and be a good Mom and in yet in reality could it be I am setting myself up for failure? I am constantly feeling frustrated and this seems so right on! What do you say?

The last part that really hit home with me is about the "Good Mommy Club."

John R.: One of the problems in American culture today and American parenting culture is what I call "The Good Mommy Club." And the rules of The Good Mommy Club, the rules of membership in The Good Mommy Club are such that they make inevitable that the female parent is going to experience a tremendous amount of stress in the raising of children and the stress is going to be expressed on some frequency in the form of cerebral meltdowns.

And you know, the rules of The Good Mommy Club, the good mommy pays as much attention to her children as she possibly can. So, my mother expected me to pay attention to her. The good mommy does as much for her children as she possibly can. My mother expected me to do for myself and on a daily basis, was for my benefit dedicating herself to doing as little for me as she possibly could.

And what I am saying to American women all over the country is, look, all of the rules have turned 180 degrees in the last 50 years. Your mother, your grandmother especially, didn't go through her parenting career screaming on a regular basis at her children. Why is this happening today?

And these are things that are problems that are embedded in our parenting culture today, that you know, I go around the country and I say, "Look, my mission is two-fold. It's mother liberation from the constraints of The Good Mommy Club and marriage restoration."

I am constantly feeling so stressed out and having "meltdowns" because I don't feel good enough as a Mom. What do you say Mom's? Would making these changes in your parenting methods restore your sanity and make your marriage healthier?

There are some points of this that I don't agree with- like doing as little for my kids as possible. But I have been understanding ALOT lately that my kids have a very bad case of entitlement. Where they think they should have what they want, when they want it and without working for it. I have been realizing they are in dire need of some good old fashioned chores and responsibilities- and not just getting everything on a "silver platter."

Thoughts?

Choosing Films

 

When it comes to films for us or our kids I like to be careful what I spend my time, thoughts and attention on. Some may think what we watch doesn't influence us, but I strongly believe it does. Growing up I saw firsthand that what I watched would also influence my dreams- and so i am very careful with what I show my kids. 

But how can we know about a film before we watch it you may wonder? Do your research. Very rarely do I watch a film without having first read about it. I read the reviews and especially the parental reviews on this site.  http://www.imdb.com/ You simply look up the name of the film and then scroll down to the Parents Guide section. Here you can usually find a detailed list of the stuff in the film. From this I decide whether the film is something I want to spend my time watching or not. 

Another good source of reviews is Plugged In which has reviews on new films. 

As for choosing films for my kids I try not to show them anything I have not already seen or know to be good. 

How about you, how do you choose which movies you will watch or won't? 

Do you think what you watch influences you, why or why not? 

What is your favorite movie? I love getting suggestions on good ones to see :)

 

What I Want Them to Know

As summer ends and a new school year begins the thoughts of busyness make me spin and I wonder how this new phase will unfold. My children are young yet and don't yet go to school, but weekly lessons at kindergarten for my older 2 will keep us hopping.And my oldest is starting music school this year, so with all these plans life looks like it might get hectic.

This summer I have pondered a lot. I have thought about parenting and life and this crazy world we live in. My heart has ached at the wickedness so brazenly displayed and I have longed to guard my little ones for this evil. I long to raise my kids in a good world, where life is charming and innocent. But in our days- this innocence comes only by working hard and staying in some part distant from this world as it has now become.

Yet in all of my desire to keep them guarded I also know that at some point they will encounter wickedness and that their lives in all likelihood will face hard and evil days at some point. So what can I do now to raise them to face this world? I'd like to turn my back and run and spoil my kids and meet their every need and whim. But is that what's best, I think not. . .

So what I want my kids to know is this:

Know God: Parents sometimes are afraid to help their kids encounter God, maybe they aren't close to Him. Maybe they don't even know Him themselves. But kids know their is good and evil and we as parents can let them know God by giving them opportunities to go to church, reading the Bible with them, going to Sunday school and if we know God ourselves by talking about Him, and helping our kids to learn to pray and know God.  

Why should our kids know about God or know him personally? It all boils down to whether you believe there is good and evil in this world. If there is good- there must be a source of that good- that is God. And therefore, there is also evil- and the source Satan. Kids encounter every day in the situations they encounter and in every cartoon a display of good and evil forces and as parents we can help them understand the ultimate one by helping them know GOD! 

When our kids know God is gives them something to cling to that is bigger than themselves. Having faith in God can be the rock our kids cling to when life is scary and bigger than our comprehension. They can pray and talk to God when they are afraid- our son does that during storms. We don't tell him to pray, he knows that God is the Creator of the earth and bigger than everything and he turns to God when he is afraid. 


Know themselves: When we know God we can more fully accept ourselves. Each of us was born with gifts or talents that we can develop and use in the future. Each of us can better understand ourselves when we know who we are in God and how He sees us! We each have a personality and spirit that helps define who we are and if my kids know who they are, and who God is and then it will give them a base on how to live their lives.

I want them to know they are unique, special and made in God's image.


Know right from wrong: I am continually being bombarded of late with the idea that nothing is new, everything has been seen and nothing shocks anyone anymore. That idea make me feel cold chills run through me.

When God is not present in our cultures then evil abounds and when evil abounds it displays itself in blatant evil that should shock and should cause people to turn from it. But if we raise our children to accept that everything goes, and we are afraid to teach them what is right and wrong then the boundaries grow confused and evil grows stronger.

I want my kids to know evil when they see it. I want to them to shudder and turn from what is evil because they know that is displeasing to God and it defiles who they are. Man was made in the image of God and anything that defiles or causes to belittle our true value as people or taints our integrity should be fled from.

I grow sad as I hear others say that if you are different  you will bullied and laughed at. And yet I do not want my kids to be like those who take pleasure in the pain of others. If that means others laugh at them then may they be true men and women of character as they do what is right and find peace in their hearts because they chose to walk a blameless path.


Know boundaries and discipline: If we each lived within boundaries our problems would be much less. I want my kids to know rules and that they would live by them. I want them to respect authority. I want them to be kind and show respect to the elderly. I want my kids to be real men who behave as gentlemen and women who behave like ladies. I want my kids to have a good dose of old fashioned politeness. I want my kids to know that too much of something harms them- too much media, sweets, etc. I want them to know how to say, "No." And to know how to stop. I want them to learn these things and so we must practice them now. Living withing boundaries is what helps us to respect them in the future. Living discipline is what gets us out of bed in the morning and off to work and what keeps us from overeating and knowing how to care for our belongings. Living with discipline is something that each of must learn.


Know kindness: I want my kids to show kindness to those in need. I want them to jump to help when it is needed and offer a kind word when they see one is needed. I want them to think of others and not just themselves and to be kind to one another (sisters, brothers, parents, family, friends). I want them to know life isn't about THEM but that life is about being the person God made each of us to be.



There are so many things I want my kids to know, but for today these are what most pierce my heart. 

Mommy Stress - Part 1

Being a Mom is one of the most rewarding positions a woman could ever hold. But this very same title and the responsibilities and emotions involved can bring on some of the most intense stress a woman has experienced or will ever face.

It has been on my heart to write about Mom stress for a time. And yesterday I just happened to run across a program on Focus on the Family that again brought this to the light in my thoughts.


What are your areas of stress as a Mom?

For those of us with young kids (mine are 4 , 2 and 9 mos) your stress might look something like mine:

1. Lack of sleep (leading to impatience, frustration, difficulty controlling emotions)
2. Lack of personal time and space (no time for me and my hobbies and taking care of myself)
3. Frustrations over kid's fighting, whining, etc. 
4. Naptimes
5. Worry over the health, education, discipline of our kids. 
6. Worry about my relationship with my husband (do we make time for each other, do we communicate well, are we on the same page regarding our kids,etc. 

The list could go on and on.  But you get the idea, as Mommies we are continually faced with stressful situations.

What do you do? How do you cope? How do you get beyond the stress?

The fact is that as women our "stresses" are so interconnected they all add up to such a load that without some kind of "help" we will eventually explode unless we have a way of dealing with these things.

For me, my greatest hope is my relationship with our Saviour- Jesus. His word gives us all kinds of messages of hope. James 1: 5 says that "If anyone lacks wisdom he (or she) should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault. . . "

I  find great peace in the knowledge that God will provide me such an amazing wisdom- it is available for me, and you!

There are lots of practical things we can do to deal with the stress we face as Mom's and I would love to hear how you do so.

Until another day!

A Good Pediatrician- Top 10

As a Mom of 3 little ones I have come to some conclusions about what separates an ideal pediatrician from a mediocre one. And as a Mom raising my kids in a foreign country I highly value a doctor I can trust. Here is my top 10 list in describing a good pediatrician.

1. Has a Way with Kids.
   
   • Anyone can be a pediatrician- but not all pediatricians are good with kids. To me a kid's doctor MUST know how to understand a kid. Our doctor waits on the child to be ready for her touch him/her. Taking the time for the child to become accustomed to her and talking to the child and parent. If the child senses that this doctor is someone who cares about them and can feel that their parent trusts the doctor the child will also feel more at ease. 
2. Respects the Parent's Fears, Opinions and Choices
• Having read a lot about vaccines I was not willing to vaccinate according to the government plan. Our first pediatrician gave us a rather hard time about this and I am continually meeting up with doctors who just "don't get it" when it comes to understanding the parent's concerns on this matter. Thankfully the doctor we now have not only respects our opinion, but even supports it! A good doctor is worth searching around for. 
3. Doesn't Act Like a Know it All
• You know the feeling you get when you see a doctor is huffy, proud and impossible to talk to. A pediatrician MUST be approachable. Parents need someone they can talk to and ask questions to about their concerns for their child's health. A doctor who scares away questions by their attitude is not the doctor you are looking for. 
4. Child over Schedule: 
• A good doctor is willing to set aside the planned vaccine or procedure if they see the child isn't as healthy as they should be. The child's well being is more important than rushing it and a vaccine can wait a week, a month, even more so that the child can be 100% healthy.
5. Follows Up: 
• A good doctor in this country ( I don't know about in the US) is concerned enough about the child that they will call you at home to make sure the child is doing alright.
6. Home Visits: 
• Here in Latvia all doctors can be expected to pay home visits. If a child is too sick to go to school why should they be going to a public waiting room. I am so thankful for the willingness of doctors to pay home visits in Latvia.
7. What's Best for the Child. 
• A good pediatrician will try no matter what to get every child healthy, even if it means inconvenience to the parents. Staying home from kindergarten, hiring a babysitter, and helping kids skip the sick season is ok- if it means health for the child. Encouraging parents to skip vaccines, or wait for another day or see a specialist. A good pediatrician knows their stuff and does it well.
8. Child Friendly Environment: 
• The doctor's office, not just their waiting room should make a child feel welcome. Our doctor has toys in her office that make my kids happy to go there. There are cars, and other toys that make them look forward to entering her office. 
9. Employs Good Nurses: 
• A good doctor's entire reputation can be tainted by a poor nurse. A nurse should be just as child centered as the doctor so that the first impressions and the details which are taken care of by the nurse are not a torture to the child. A good nurse is positive and knows how to talk to the child to help set them at ease. 
10. Attitude: 
• The first time I met our current pediatrician I knew she was a special doctor- she was down to earth, easy to talk to and willing to consider both my child's feelings and mine. Since the day we started seeing her I have been happy and every time my child is sick I rejoice that we have such a great doctor who REALLY cares about my kids and will call me day after day to make sure they are on the mend. A good doctor shows it by who they are not just in the office but even during their off hours. 

The End of Me

It's another one of those days when nothing gets done and no one naps. When Mom is fed up to her ears in noise, toys and squished blueberries.

The kids are worn out from long summer evenings. My toddler has a snotty nose and she is crabbier than any two year old has a right to be. The baby is an angel and naps like a dream. But yet nothing seems to get done.

I feel I run circles wiping up messes, putting toys back, trying to harvest our bounty from the garden, keep meals on the table and keep my head afloat. It is no wonder I caught a cold.

I find myself at times stepping aside and looking at my life through the eyes of another me. One who can see things from the side and in perspective rather than in the frenzy of the moment.

I desire peace. I desire greater love. I desire to be an ideal Mommy and a great wife. 

Yet I run around grouchy, feelings of guilt crowding out my joy at all the unfinished and half accomplished tasks of my daily life.

It is quiet moments when I look at my life that I realize that what I am doing NOW is the life I am to live. My purpose and joy needs to come from doing a job well done in the little tasks I do every day.

The ME screams out that I am getting nothing done, that I must pursue MY business and write MY  stories. That I must have time for ME and MY hobbies and MY desires.

But these little persons in my care are in fact very needy folks. They are the ones I must give MYSELF to now. If I have everything in this life and yet my little people were to go down the wrong path in life I would always regret not having given more of me.

It is I who can influence them now and lay the foundations for a solid future. It is my husband and I who must teach them values and discipline and strength of character. It is I who must teach them when to lend a kind hand and when to be firm.

Only when I set aside the selfish ME am I able to be the person I was intended to be just now. The invisible Mommy. 

This Scary Box

I have a box in my house, full of wonders, fun and terrors. This box is calm, this box is quiet, this box is nothing that would cause you pain- it seems.

But today I looked in this box, I was horrified by what I saw in it; they were creeps and guns, murders and sickness, horror untold- pain abounded.

I closed it fast, surely this is not MY box I thought to myself. It seemed to laugh its ugly head in my face and scoff in my face, "You thought I was so harmless, you thought I was quiet, just give me a chance. Mwaah!"

My mind revolted, how can I protect my children from this box, how can I let them see the good things in it while at the same time avoiding all these evil! And what will they find when I am not with them, will the find the bad or the good?

I grew cold just thinking of the hidden depths of this box, the evil seeming to clench me in its icy grasp. But then my positive thoughts kicked in and I remembered how this box helps me in so many ways, helps me keep in touch with far off family, helps me run my little business.

Oh deary me, what's a body to do?

I am very tempted to throw this box right out my window- just like my Grandma wants to always do in frustration!

BUT. . . would that solve the problem?

My children will find these boxes in other places, in their schools and in their friend's homes. What am I to do? How can I teach them to look at the good and run from the evil? How can I guard them!

Thankfully my kids are still young and everything that comes out of that box passes through my hands and eye of approval.

But, what about me? Am I keeping far enough off from this sly voice that woos me into its dark depths? "Just one more page, just one more minute, just one more note it softly croons in my ear."

Eek! I don't want to offer my life to this idol box, I don't want to sacrifice my time, my creativity, my relationships and myself to this creeping, scary box.

Then the warrior cries out in my heart, "Be free, take guard, run while you can!" And I stop, stand up, and take my leave.