The End of Me

It's another one of those days when nothing gets done and no one naps. When Mom is fed up to her ears in noise, toys and squished blueberries.

The kids are worn out from long summer evenings. My toddler has a snotty nose and she is crabbier than any two year old has a right to be. The baby is an angel and naps like a dream. But yet nothing seems to get done.

I feel I run circles wiping up messes, putting toys back, trying to harvest our bounty from the garden, keep meals on the table and keep my head afloat. It is no wonder I caught a cold.

I find myself at times stepping aside and looking at my life through the eyes of another me. One who can see things from the side and in perspective rather than in the frenzy of the moment.

I desire peace. I desire greater love. I desire to be an ideal Mommy and a great wife. 

Yet I run around grouchy, feelings of guilt crowding out my joy at all the unfinished and half accomplished tasks of my daily life.

It is quiet moments when I look at my life that I realize that what I am doing NOW is the life I am to live. My purpose and joy needs to come from doing a job well done in the little tasks I do every day.

The ME screams out that I am getting nothing done, that I must pursue MY business and write MY  stories. That I must have time for ME and MY hobbies and MY desires.

But these little persons in my care are in fact very needy folks. They are the ones I must give MYSELF to now. If I have everything in this life and yet my little people were to go down the wrong path in life I would always regret not having given more of me.

It is I who can influence them now and lay the foundations for a solid future. It is my husband and I who must teach them values and discipline and strength of character. It is I who must teach them when to lend a kind hand and when to be firm.

Only when I set aside the selfish ME am I able to be the person I was intended to be just now. The invisible Mommy.